Posted on the web by: Wm Alan Gluck
5138 Marlin Way
Mandalay Shores, Ca 93035
805 815 4039

Now that we're in the year 2000, it's time to ask the IRS.... Why $2K?

The only thing worse than training good employees and losing them, is NOT training your employees and keeping them.  (Zig Ziglar)

I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. 

If you had everything, where would you put it?

If all is not lost, where exactly is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Don't worry about the pace of life, it's the sudden stop at the end.

If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. 

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.


Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  --Patrick, Age 10
 
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
  --Stephanie, Age 8
 
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
  --Heather, Age 16
 
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
  --Michael, Age 14
 
Never try to baptize a cat.
  --Laura, Age 13
 
Stay away from prunes.
  --Randy, Age 9

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the
father of his little son..... "Diet."


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
   
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was
1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
   
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
   
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the
entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of $1.37.
   
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars
Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, Some people are just
idiots.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down, will be the ones who do.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life, Are taken
from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Little known facts about 'puters

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to
do.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......
REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Virus detected! Pour chicken soup on motherboard?
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid
users?
You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You might have mail.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.


OTHER IDEAS TO LIVE BY……

It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have
their shoes.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them
alone to do it.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me alone.

DISCLAIMER… THIS NEXT ONE DOES  **** NOT**** APPLY TO ME !!!!

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

But if it does, GOD BLESS YOU !
If you buy or sell any of the products listed below, please reply, and
I'll send you further information.  Thanks.

Some thought, after yesterday's humor, I might have lost my spiritual
compass.  Let me state for the record, I have learned in my life,
without Love, we have nothing.  Now, to transition from the serious
aspect of our Spiritual life, to a little Church Levity... ACTUAL
Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins (or at least that's someone
said they were):

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing
"Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his
private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies
will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall. Music
will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing
for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."